Desktop Dynamo

Found this nasty little note in my stocking Christmas morning:

Jimbo:

Your shameless attempt to hoodwink my client, S. Claus, into bringing you buckets of wings has failed miserably. Using your second grade Saint Bernard's school portrait on your website did, in fact, "hot button" your Christmas wish to the top of Santa's pile. The elves in charge of screening Christmas wishes were exhausted. They may have had one spiked eggnog too many. In any case, your scheme slipped by them.

As Santa was loading the sleigh, he happened to overhear a few elves talking about your web post. Santa asked to see it, and immediately put a hold on the sleigh loading.

Santa is not that great at remembering names (it's why he has that big book). But Santa never forgets a face, and when he saw your second grade picture posted on Dynamo he smelled a scam.

"Gimmee the book from 1963!" he shouted.

He flipped through a few thousand pages and found your name.

"This character asked for a real-live Mercury space capsule in '63," Santa said. "He wanted it to use as a clubhouse in his backyard in Riverdale, Maryland. 62nd Avenue, I believe. He said he deserved it because he helped some firemen with 'crowd control' when they were on a rescue."

Well, "Little Mr. Jimbo," Santa remembers what really happened back in '63. You dared your little brother to stick his foot in a drainpipe in your backyard. He did. His foot got stuck. Your mother called the fire department. Every kid in the neighborhood came for the excitement, but the police wouldn't let them past the gate. Your contribution to "crowd control" was to take all the kids to the next door neighbor's backyard and charge'em a nickel a head so they could look over the fence. You made a buck sixty-five and spent it all on Milk Duds and toy soldiers. Didn't give your brother a dime. You Schmuck.

Santa says he left you a couple big buckets by the cellar door. It ain't wings in those buckets, Jimbo.

You are now permanently on Santa's "Naughty" list.

Grover Elias Wiggleforth, E.A.A.L (Elven Attorney-At-Law)