Desktop Dynamo

Dynamo's Relaxation Chamber...

I've probably said this before, but my family says I remind them of Matt Roloff (from the TLC series Little People Big World). Specifically, it's Matt's habit of having about sixty plates spinning at one time, any one of which might fall and smash at any moment.

My family claims I am incapable of relaxing (nodding off exhausted in the recliner doesn't count). My head is always in about a dozen places at once.

But this past Saturday, I finally found a way to zone out and relax...guiltlessly...for an hour.

Long story short, I spent some time with my head in an MRI machine on Saturday morning. Don't get nervous...it's just that what little hearing I had left sort of up and disappeared ahead of schedule, leaving me with some sporadic vertigo. I haven't worn a hearing aid in weeks. We're just making sure nothing else is going on other than the long-expected deafness.

For some folks, an MRI is not a pleasant experience. The test itself is painless. Even if a contrast solution is injected, the "stick" is milder than a flu shot. From a comfort and side-effect angle, it's about as safe as it gets.

It's being loaded into the "torpedo tube" that bothers most folks.

I call it that because your head is put in a cage and you are fed into the maw of the machine much like a U-boat torpedo about to be fired into a cargo ship full of chicken wings. (Oh, the horror).

While you're loaded in the tube, the machine does a fair amount of whanging, banging and vibrating. This must scare the bejesus out of folks with normal hearing. For me, it was like laying on a vibrating mattress in some sleazy, hooker-infested motel. (Note from the editor: He gets this notion from watching bad B-movies, not personal experience. We think. We hope.)

This is not a fun ride for the claustrophobic. Hey, it may even cause claustrophobia.

But not so with me. Knowing that claustrophobia wouldn't be a lot of fun, I had a master plan: John Lennon would perform for me.

Beatling those MRI blues...

Deafness can't take away from me that which I've already heard. I have piles and piles of tunes firmly cemented in my noggin, and I play them constantly. I decided that while I was being magnetized and imagized I would close my eyes and do a play list of some of my favorite Lennon tunes from the Beatle days. I set it up like an album, with two sides...plain MRI (side A), and injection MRI (side B), also commonly known as the "flip side".

The "flip side" consisted of songs written during the days when Johnny boy likely had interesting foreign substances hurtling through his own veins.

Here's the playlist:

Side A
• Please Please Me
• I Should Have Known Better (Wow...that innocent, early-Beatles energy)
• Yes It Is (I'd forgotten this one...it just popped into my head. The harmonies are still stunning after all these years)
• Help!
• Ticket to Ride
• And Your Bird Can Sing (Love the guitar riff)

INJECTION HERE (No arterial bleeding reported)

Side B
• Norwegian Wood (Mark Williams...if you're reading this, I know you're smiling)
• In My Life
• Girl
• Run For Your Life
• Nowhere Man (A crisp, brilliant tune...)
• Lucy In the Sky With Diamonds (Definitely some foreign substances afoot here)

TORPEDO TUBE UNLOADED HERE

It's been years since I was as relaxed as I was when the MRI technician pulled me out of the torpedo tube.

"That was wonderful!" I said.

His eyebrows shot up.

"You don't get that a lot, do you?" I asked.

"Nope."

Thanks, John...but I hope I don't need your services again for a long, long time...

Here's some Instant Karma for you, Jimbo...