Desktop Dynamo

Obama's Image on Slab of Bacon

Wyalusing, PA

Hundreds of people lined up outside a modest residence in Wyalusing, Pennsylvania on Wednesday morning for a chance to see a slab of bacon that resembles the President of the United States. Many locals say they clearly saw an image of President Obama in the pork fat.

"Spitting image," said Klem Popelky, a local butcher. "I've seen a lot of bacon in my life, but I'm telling you this pork was the spitting image of the President."

"The proof's in the pork," said a woman who lives just down the street.

The bacon was purchased by Sandra Beech at a local Wegman's. "I took it home, opened it up, and my gosh, there he was: President Obama on a big ol' slab of bacon."

Tragedy struck when Mrs. Beech had to run to the drugstore at noon. While she was gone her husband Herb, who works 3rd shift in a local printing shop, woke up from a nap and made a BLT (lightly toasted, no mayo) for his lunch.

"Herbie ate the President," Mrs. Beech sighed. She was forced to turn away dozens of disappointed folks who had waited in line for hours hoping to see the Presidential Pork.

"Somebody on Main Street has a ball of navel lint that looks like George Bush," said one of the people turned away by Mrs. Beech. "Guess we'll take a walk over there."

Man Has Near-Death Experience, Sees Afterlife

San Francisco, CA

When Bob Ahlong stepped in front of a streetcar, he nearly lost his life. Fortunately for Bob, doctors were able to pull him back from the jaws of death.

"I wasn't afraid at all when that streetcar hit me," says Bob. "My dad always told me that when we die, we go to a better place."

When paramedics arrived, Bob was clinically dead. When he was resuscitated, he told his doctors he'd seen the afterlife.

"It's Camden, New Jersey. An angel dropped me off in a vacant lot and told me to keep my head down if there was a drive-by shooting."

Asked if he was still comforted by his father's words, Bob said: "Now dying scares the bejesus outta me. Dad's obviously never been to Camden."

Republicans Embrace Obanomics

Washington D.C.

In a stunning reversal, all Republican members of Congress came out in full support of the President's economic policies.

"We were gosh-awful worried about all this spending, and this mega-deficit. But then we learned the secret of Obanomics."

And that secret?

"Print more dough," said a prominent GOP senator. "It's like magic. If the deficit gets too big, you just crank up the printing presses and bam! the deficit's gone. We're in awe. Why didn't we think of this?"

U.S. Government shrinks 94% overnight

Washington, D.C.

The Federal Government spontaneously downsized itself 94% on Wednesday morning.

"We suddenly realized that we were just too danged big," said Government spokesman Amos Behavin. "There were more than 300 economic development programs. Dozens and dozens of federal programs for safe water. A couple dozen different teen pregnancy programs. The list goes on and on. We went through all the programs and agencies over brunch and eliminated all the duplicates and canned all the unneeded employees."

In a related story, the sudden elimination of millions of government jobs pushed the unemployment rate up to 32%.