Terrorist?

I don't fly often, but when I do my shoes usually generate a lot of interest from the TSA. Their airport screeners wave those little wands warily around my shoes and regard them …and me …with deep suspicion.

Obviously, middle aged fat-round-the-middle chicken-wing addicted males with worn-out cheapo shoes fit some type of terror profile.

As do old folks in wheelchairs.

As do well-built college-age women who simply have to be patted down very carefully in case their bras are lined with Semtex.

As do all kinds of folks who probably look nothing like terrorists to heathen untrained folks like you and me.

The Department of Homeland (In)security (our latest massive Gubbermint bureaucracy), has virtually assured that Grandma, Dynamo or the Olsen twins will not be blowing up any airliners.

Sure, there's been the occasional tiny misstep, like Senator Ted Kennedy appearing on a no-fly list as a possible terrorist.

After church the following Sunday, my aunts went to Aunt Carmella's fortune teller. My father, a young boy at the time, was in tow. They stood outside the fortune teller's house, a structure like many on this leg of Washington Street: nondescript, with faded, dirty white siding and a small fenced in front yard. But for the house numbers, it was almost impossible to tell one from another.

"Why are we here?" my father asked. "I want to go home."

"Hush, Paulie," scolded Rae.

"I don't like this place," he whined.

"We won't be long," said Sal. "We'll buy you candy on the way home if you promise not to tell Papa we were here."

"I want to go home. I'm telling Papa. I don't care about candy, and I don't want to see any fortune teller."

Zia took put her hands on his shoulders and bent down to look into his eyes.

"Listen to me, Paulie. You will come inside with us. You will sit quietly. If you tell Papa, the fortune teller will put a curse on you."

"Don't frighten the boy," commanded a thin, nasal voice with a raspy edge.

The fortune teller stood in her open doorway, half her face in a smile, half of it frozen, a sinister countenance. Her eyes were bright and piercing. She wore a black skirt and a white blouse. Draped across her shoulders, despite the thick summer heat, was a loosely-knitted shawl the color of overripe tomatoes.

Let's face it: Tiger has multi-bogeyed. Advertisers are dropping him left and right.

This doesn't have to be an economic disaster for this legendary golfer ...if he strikes out on his own with a bold array of "Tiger Brand" products he can be back on the fairway ...and rolling in dough ...in no time at all!

The next couple of posts are some ideas from Dynamo to help poor Tiger get "out of the rough" and back on the green!

The Obama White House has released details on the Administration's plans to fight global warming.

"The planet is in danger. Global warming must be stopped," said Steven Chu, Secretary of the Department of Energy.

Chu said that the Administration has discovered there are more than 300 million unregulated carbon emission sources in the United States: its citizens.

The Obama Administration is proposing a PCT program (Personal Carbon Tax) to develop technology which offsets the carbon dioxide created when Americans draw breath.

"It will not be a flat PCT," said Chu. "Those who are sick or elderly will pay a smaller tax for breathing. Children, while much more active, have smaller lungs and will also have a reduced tax rate."

Healthy adults will pay the highest Personal Carbon Tax, with the highest rates paid by unmarried men.

"Unmarried men tend to be very active sexually. Frequent sexual activity results in a lot of heavy breathing and a heck of a lot of exhaled carbon dioxide."

Chu noted that men who get married will immediately be eligible for a PCT rebate.

"Once married, men are virtually finished as carbon dioxide emitters. They do, however, become tremendous emitters of methane, especially during football season. They may be subject to Personal Methane Taxes."

Taking their cue from the Nobel Committee, the BCS has selected next year's BCS football champion more than nine months before the 2010 season begins and before a single down has been played.

"The computers have crowned Troy University," said a BCS representative. "We're really excited about next year's BCS National Champions: The Troy Trojans!"

The Trojans will receive their BCS Championship trophy at half time of the first game of the 2010 season, an epic contest against Bowling Green State.

Troy, a successful Sun Belt Conference team, narrowly beat out Florida, Alabama and Oklahoma in the BCS computer rankings.

Troy is projected to defeat Florida 26-20 in the BCS Championship Game, according to the computers. (Florida crushed Troy 56-6 during the 2009 season.)

When given the news, a skeptical Larry Blakeney, Head Coach of the Trojans, said: "Y'all are on drugs, I reckon."

The woman waited, expressionless.

"Looking for a painter, you say?" Ernesto uttered at last.

The German woman nodded once.

"I paint!" Gio exclaimed.

Ernesto glanced towards his brother, raising an eyebrow.

"No, no …I think not," the woman said tentatively.

"Ha!" cried Ernesto, nodding his head sharply and waving his hand at Gio in dismissal. "See? She knows you're no painter!"

"I can paint," Gio protested. "Ignore my brother."

"You …you …are Tarentella, the painter?"

"A most excellent painter," Gio continued. "I did our office. I painted the hallways upstairs. You should see them. Smooth, like satin, those walls! I will paint for you!"

"See the flour on his apron? He is Tarentella the baker," said Ernesto. "If he's a painter, I'm the Pope."

I am putting the final touches on another segment of "From the Sky" and it should post soon.

I'm in a pretty demanding stretch with the day job right now, and writing time is at a premium. It's literally a sentence or two here, or maybe a paragraph there. I'm spinning a lot of plates lately.

I am determined to finish this story before moving on to (or back to) any other projects. It's not far from being complete...in fact, the ending for FTS has already been written...I just haven't quite filled out the rest of the middle just yet.

Keep an eye on the site...the segment should be posting soon...

Jimbo