Desktop Dynamo

A spokesman for North Korea’s Foreign Ministry reacted with rage at the U.N. Security Council's threat to unleash multi-syllable words on his nation.

"Any use of these words against the DPRK will be considered an act of war!" exclaimed the spokesman. "We will respond in kind. We will use weapons of mass alliteration. We will lash out with onomatopoeia. We will dangle participles. No mercy will be shown to the enemies of the DPRK."

On condition of anonymity, a top U.S. general said he was "deeply alarmed."

"They're talking scorched earth here. This is serious stuff. We may have to respond to any North Korean escalation of the language war with the deadliest weapons in our arsenal," said the general. "We may have to use puns."

U.S. forces were put on their highest alert, and the sound of dictionaries being opened could be heard throughout the Yongsan Garrison in Seoul.

"I'm really nervous," said a young enlisted man. "The dangling participles...they really scare me. I only hope our puns will be enough to stop them if war breaks out."

In addition to the escalating language war, the U.N. is considering a "targeted economic boycott" designed to discomfit leader Kim Jong-il.

"No Elvis glasses will be allowed into North Korea," said a U.N. spokesman.

There was no immediate response from North Korea on the latest U.N. threat.

Banned!!!

UN Security Council President Claude Heller announced that an official response to North Korea's launch of a rocket this weekend will soon be forthcoming. The launch may have violated a 2006 Security Council resolution.

"Security Council Members have somewhat unanimously semi-pledged to think about very nearly criticizing North Korea for launching this rocket," said Heller. "We may actually move forward with a sharply-worded written condemnation."

He warned that multi-syllable words may be used in the response.

"Hey, we're serious," said Heller. "We're the UN. And if they keep messing with us, we might even pull out the big guns: A sternly worded condemnation."

In a related story, US Navy ships recovered the North Korean "satellite" from the Pacific Ocean Sunday evening after the payload failed to reach orbit.

"Six pots of fermented Kim Chi," said an anonymous Rear Admiral. "We're trying to determine if it was a biological weapon or merely a lunch launch."

"…It would be a tragedy if all of you who are so talented and energetic…if you let that go to waste, if you just stood back and watched the world pass you by. Better to jump in, get involved… and it does mean that sometimes you'll get criticized and sometimes you'll fail and sometimes you'll be disappointed… but you'll have a great adventure. And at the end of your life, hopefully you'll be able to look back and say, 'I made a difference.' "

President Obama speaking in Strasbourg, France, where he urged the younger generation to make the most of their opportunities. His politics and mine are poles apart, but this message to young people was spot-on. (Source: CNN.com)

Obama's Image on Slab of Bacon

Wyalusing, PA

Hundreds of people lined up outside a modest residence in Wyalusing, Pennsylvania on Wednesday morning for a chance to see a slab of bacon that resembles the President of the United States. Many locals say they clearly saw an image of President Obama in the pork fat.

"Spitting image," said Klem Popelky, a local butcher. "I've seen a lot of bacon in my life, but I'm telling you this pork was the spitting image of the President."

"The proof's in the pork," said a woman who lives just down the street.

The bacon was purchased by Sandra Beech at a local Wegman's. "I took it home, opened it up, and my gosh, there he was: President Obama on a big ol' slab of bacon."

Tragedy struck when Mrs. Beech had to run to the drugstore at noon. While she was gone her husband Herb, who works 3rd shift in a local printing shop, woke up from a nap and made a BLT (lightly toasted, no mayo) for his lunch.

"Herbie ate the President," Mrs. Beech sighed. She was forced to turn away dozens of disappointed folks who had waited in line for hours hoping to see the Presidential Pork.

"Somebody on Main Street has a ball of navel lint that looks like George Bush," said one of the people turned away by Mrs. Beech. "Guess we'll take a walk over there."

Man Has Near-Death Experience, Sees Afterlife

San Francisco, CA

...buying my next car just got a whole lot easier, now that the Gubbermint's running GM. The President himself said, "Your warranty will be safe...In fact, it will be safer than it's ever been, because starting today, the United States government will stand behind your warranty."

I can't wait to see these Obamamobiles when they hit the market:

Wow! New Gubbermint Cars from Obama-GM!!
• The Katrina: An amphibious SUV powered by kitchen compost. The first dozen prototypes sank.
• The Baconator: A $200,000 car with a pleasant pork aroma. And we can all afford one, because the payments will be spread out over the next three generations.
• The AIG Cruiser: Critics say the engines leak oil like a frat boy peeing in your bushes after downing two dozen bottles of brewksi...but there's a $500,000 cash back bonus to sweeten the deal.

Yup. That made up my mind.

My next car's a Ford.

Dynamo's Relaxation Chamber...

I've probably said this before, but my family says I remind them of Matt Roloff (from the TLC series Little People Big World). Specifically, it's Matt's habit of having about sixty plates spinning at one time, any one of which might fall and smash at any moment.

My family claims I am incapable of relaxing (nodding off exhausted in the recliner doesn't count). My head is always in about a dozen places at once.

But this past Saturday, I finally found a way to zone out and relax...guiltlessly...for an hour.

Long story short, I spent some time with my head in an MRI machine on Saturday morning. Don't get nervous...it's just that what little hearing I had left sort of up and disappeared ahead of schedule, leaving me with some sporadic vertigo. I haven't worn a hearing aid in weeks. We're just making sure nothing else is going on other than the long-expected deafness.

For some folks, an MRI is not a pleasant experience. The test itself is painless. Even if a contrast solution is injected, the "stick" is milder than a flu shot. From a comfort and side-effect angle, it's about as safe as it gets.

It's being loaded into the "torpedo tube" that bothers most folks.

I call it that because your head is put in a cage and you are fed into the maw of the machine much like a U-boat torpedo about to be fired into a cargo ship full of chicken wings. (Oh, the horror).

Spring has arrived, at least as far as the calendar goes. But is greenery returning to Northeastern Pennsylvania? The early signs say...YES!

You want to know what's wrong with this country? I'll tell you what's wrong. We've gotten fat, soft and lazy.

I found the proof in a catalog from a company that sells linens, kitchen gadgets and all other kinds of what-nots. It's a device called a "Roomba" and it's basically a robot that vacuums your floor while your snooze in your recliner.

...Proof we've all gone soft...

The danged thing costs close to four hundred bucks. What an outrage!

I'm telling you gang, if the day has come where I can't get my butt off the recliner and plug in the vacuum so my wife Annie can do the floors, this country is doomed.

"…It is as if you were flying an airplane and the gas light came on and it said 'you have 15 minutes of gas left' and the pilot said 'we're not going to worry about that, we're going to fly for another two hours.' Well, the plane crashes and our country will crash and we'll pass on to our kids a country that's not affordable." - Senator Judd Gregg (R) New Hampshire on the budget blueprint released by The Obama Administration in the face of a mounting fiscal crisis.

"The practical implications of this [budget] is bankruptcy for the United States," said Gregg. (Source: CNN.com)